Skip to main content
COMM301

Week 8: Building & Maintaining Relationships

The Life Cycle of Relationships

15 min read

Knapp's Relational Stages Model

Communication scholar Mark Knapp identified ten stages that relationships typically move through, divided into "coming together" and "coming apart" phases.

Coming Together

  1. Initiating: Making first contact, forming initial impressions. Brief, superficial exchanges.

  2. Experimenting: Small talk, searching for common ground. "Do you like...?" Testing compatibility.

  3. Intensifying: Deeper self-disclosure, expressions of affection. "We" language emerges. Nicknames, inside jokes.

  4. Integrating: Social networks merge. Others see you as a couple/pair. Shared identity develops.

  5. Bonding: Public commitment through ritual - marriage, business partnership, formal agreement.

Coming Apart

  1. Differentiating: Emphasizing "I" over "we." Asserting individuality. "I need my space."

  2. Circumscribing: Reducing topics of conversation. Avoiding sensitive areas. Less depth and breadth.

  3. Stagnating: Going through motions. Little genuine communication. "Why bother talking?"

  4. Avoiding: Minimizing contact. Physical and emotional distance.

  5. Terminating: Ending the relationship. Can be gradual or sudden.

Important: Relationships don't always progress linearly. You can skip stages, cycle back, or stabilize at any point.

Social Penetration Theory

Altman and Taylor's "onion" model explains how self-disclosure deepens relationships:

Dimensions of Self-Disclosure

  • Breadth: The range of topics discussed (narrow to wide)
  • Depth: How personal the information is (surface to intimate)

As relationships develop, both breadth and depth typically increase - though at different rates in different relationships.

Principles of Self-Disclosure

  1. Reciprocity: Disclosure tends to be matched. If you share, they share.
  2. Appropriateness: Too much too soon can be off-putting.
  3. Risk and reward: Deeper disclosure risks vulnerability but builds intimacy.
  4. Gradual progression: Trust builds through incremental sharing.

Relational Maintenance Behaviors

Relationships require ongoing effort. Key maintenance behaviors include:

  • Positivity: Being pleasant, upbeat, and fun to be around
  • Openness: Discussing the relationship directly
  • Assurances: Expressing commitment and love
  • Social networks: Involving friends and family
  • Sharing tasks: Dividing responsibilities fairly

Dialectical Tensions

Close relationships involve inherent tensions between competing needs:

Autonomy vs. Connection

  • Need for independence vs. need for togetherness
  • "I want my own time" vs. "I want us time"

Openness vs. Closedness

  • Desire for transparency vs. desire for privacy
  • "I want to share everything" vs. "Some things are just mine"

Novelty vs. Predictability

  • Wanting excitement and change vs. wanting stability and routine
  • "Let's try something new" vs. "I like our traditions"

These tensions are normal and ongoing - not problems to solve permanently, but dynamics to manage continuously. Strategies include compromise, alternation (taking turns), and integration (finding creative solutions that address both needs).

Additional Resources